A Glimpse of Being Single...

I will start off by saying that I have not written in a while, but will post a recap of the events since Oct worth noting later.

Last night was an interesting experience for me. After an ambiguous conversation with Matt on Tuesday of this week, I think I can safely say that I have no idea where our relationship is headed at this point. I find this slightly ironic because just a few days earlier we went on our first weekend trip together without an agenda other than to spend time together and explore a new area. This trip went better than planned, we had a great time, and for the first time in a few months I started thinking about our future together...

Perhaps that precipitated the subsequent thoughts and fear that Matt expressed Tuesday and the decision to take some time apart this weekend to think through things.

So, a friend of mine decided that I needed to go out last night to spend time out of my apartment drinking and dancing with strangers. While the thought was appreciated, I don't think it was necessarily the best choice.

We headed out to join a going away pub crawl for someone he had met once, and I had never met. To make the evening even more bizarre, I didn't show up there with my friend, but with my ex Brian, who happened to send me a message online while I was getting ready and we decided to head down together. It was good to see Brian, to catch up with what he has been up to, but half way through the night he could tell that something was up. You just can't live with someone and not know when they are unhappy or upset. We then talked a bit about our respective relationships, and he shared with me how much he misses his ex Natalie, and how he now wants to move to England to be with her.

This is someone who left FL for college, has barely used his passport except for work, and has been settled in Boston for almost 10 years. But, she means that much to him! While I could not be happier for Brian and truly wish him the best (I would even help him pack), his adoration for Natalie just seemed to magnify the lack of adoration I felt.

And I want to feel adored...

So, here I am at an expensive downtown bar where the DJ is playing music from my high school and college years, and I am surrounded by girls wearing more makeup and less clothing than me that appear to not know any of the words to the songs being played: ah, yes, they were too young to know these songs as the average age here must be 23. I watch the 23 year olds awkwardly trying to talk or dance with one another, all trying to be noticed and hoping to meet someone tonight.

I dance like no one is watching with my male friends, who are thankfully older than I am, hoping I am not being noticed. I don't want any of these guys to ask for my number or to express any interest in me.

This is not my scene. What am I doing at a 23 year old pick-up bar? Please tell me that this is NOT in my potential future as a single girl in Boston. The whole idea makes my stomach turn.